Bucket O' Bulletz

::this is going to be down and dirty so maybe only girls wanna read this and then again maybe you guys will get some insight for when you are married with kids::
it took me all day to forgive my child for biting the crap out of me this afternoon. im nearly completely over it now since the pain has been declining.

i have also just found out that i have an intrinsic flaw that dooms all relationships i have had to date: ME . the flaw is me. can you believe it? i was having a discussion with hubby about some things that are bothering both of us in our relationship. then it dawned on me that i am at the kill point, which means that we are nearly 2 1/2 yrs into our relationship and therefore due for a falling out or divorce. i can hear you asking “why?” i’ll tell you why. in every relationship i have ever had with a man, at any interval between 2 and 2 1/2 something goes extremely wrong. i have never made it to 3 without a problem whether it be 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 mos, 2 yrs … get what i mean?
so anyway, now we have the dilemma that started 2 mos after i became pregnant…sex and the lack thereof. now he’s been thinking of stepping out of the barn and it’s my fault for not stocking the trough 3 times a week. my problem is that he thinks i should be the same way i was pre-baby and im not the same. i dont feel the same or think the same. now i feel like im just a hooker and he doesnt even love me, he’s just hitting me up for a quickie. i was gonna go to counseling for this, but i havent been able to yet. anyhow…the point i started to make is this: it has been 2 yrs and 5 mos. and now we could split up over this crap. i know i still have a lot of sexual issues to deal with, but i dont think that this should be something so freakin important. i dont even want to go into what the bible says about sex in marriage, although i could. it’s just that i know that he can be more considerate and caring so that i will get my sex drive back. it’s a 2 way street. i mean, if he was like he used to be it would be much easier for me to be the way i used to be…or at least that’s my theory.

but after all this i know that it is my instrinsic problem that causes all this turmoil in the first place. i have a relationship self destruct, a kill switch, in my body that refuses to let me have peace with one person. i cant seem to make anyone happy for longer than that. sometimes i get over the hump, as you can see we actually got to YEARS. the last relationship i had that got to years, the guy went and cheated on me with some ugly chick cuz she couldnt get pregnant and because i was neurotic and we hung on till 3 yrs because of my imagined glimmer of hope for redemption. obviously it never happened.

i feel doomed to live my life without meaning. 2 mos into our marriage we decided that we didnt like each other anymore and had to go away for marriage counseling. came back and we were fine. then we decide to have a kid which takes us 2 mos to create. then 2 mos into that we find out that i cannot have sex without excruciating pain. then 2 mos after baby im still not ready to have sex and still have pain. then 2 mos later we start and regardless of how i feel we keep doing it. now 2 1/2 years into our marriage and he is threatening to do something with someone else ?!?!?!?! im not going to be coerced into sex b/c he wants to threaten me so i tell him go ahead but dont expect me to be home alone and dont even expect me to be home when he gets home period. the day he does it is the day its over. what kind of life is this to live? i just want everything to be like it was. i dont want this intrinsic switch that makes men threaten to cheat on me and then i tell them to and they listen. what the H>>> is wrong with me? why do i drive men to do this? what is it about me that makes them go so crazy? do i have an expiration date: only good until 2 years past date printed on label ??? am i that foul or volatile? do i spoil? do i lose my freshness?
i have had to remake myself so many times in my life ppl would say i have multiple personality disorder, but i cant do that now. not now. how am i supposed to deal with this? i cant be shakey or unlevel. i have a child that i have to be the upstanding role model for. what am i gonna do now?

at least i have friends like and that i can go to for help and consoling. thank God for them.