i have been reading stuff on poetry.com looking for my sister’s poetry. she told me they entered her in the contest cuz they liked one of her poems. i was unaware how many ppl hane her name. wasnt so hard to find though i have decided that my poetry will no longer be seen. i have gotten a discouraging feeling from reading some of the poetry others write. so full of vision and imagination, color and imagery, passion and feeling, and so much more. i dont possess that ability anymore. all ihave written havent been to great. i dont really expect anyone to rebutt what i am saying now. i just know that i have written only one good poem and one nearly okay poem in the last 3 years. everything even remotely palatable was written when i was a depressed and lost soul. what of me now? i should have all kinds of exhortations and beautiful words flowing from every oraffice of poetic expression. and i am drier than the sahara in drought season. no words for me. what am i to do? i have bearely been writing songs lately. i feel so full and so empty. maybe im just really sleepy and i hate reflecting on myself.
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i told my dearest one a secret i have been keeping since the day i got raped and he scoffed at me! i wish to God i had never opened my mouth. no one else but God knows this secret and he made me feel just like i thought he would and i was so wishing he would comfort me instead of making me feel like a total ridiculous fool. i couldnt even tell him how much it hurt me that he didnt console me. i have been bottling this up for seven years. dear God heal my dying broken heart.
i need to go to bed but i know all i will think about it everything i have been pushing from my mind for so long … playing over and over in my mind … wishing things had gone differently … Jesus i know your plan is bigger than my small mind and peripheral vision can fathom, but please please give me a clue, a hint, a glimpse, anything.
i keep looking in the mirror of myself and all i can see is ugliness. grotesque. beastly. im not really a nice person. im not. i have you all fooled. i am mean and evil and vindictive and caniving. i am cruel and brooding and vengeful and even violent. i forgive but dont forget. im impatient and become furious on a dime, even with my sweet child. i still lie and convice myself its the truth. i shouldnt be allowed out in society yet society seems to be so much like me…and i still dont belong. trying to get lost in a crowd is a waste of energy cuz i always get singled out… in my mind or by my trying so hard to not be seen. i shouldnt be the mother of the angel God has graced me with or the wife of the generous husband i have married. he is a man so his emotional esp is rarely on point so i can understand why he reacted differently to what i said than i thought he should. he really is genuinely a doll. i find myself being evil to him more than nice. i feel like a ticking bomb waiting to explode and ruin everything good in my life…again.
sorry for all this i just had to get it out.
God bless you all im sorry i have burned your eyes up in such a way.
i love you guys.
so many have worse problems than i … i really have no right to complain… o dear God God God!!!!!!!!!!! help me.