Bucket O' Bulletz

i hate doing this. i watch driven or even ice skating and it’s like i feel so in-freakin-adequate. i actually freakin cry like a baby and pray like there’s no tomorrow. it’s like, i know i could be so much more than i am right now but my youth is fleeting so quickly from me. i am married. i have a baby. we have agreed to have another baby in two more years or so. so what else is left for me? i am nowhere near the potential i know i have.
i want to start my own business selling painted glass and other crafty things. i want to be a christian actress. i want to continue singing. i want to be a beyond phenomenal guitarist. i know i can be successful. i just feel like i have no time!!!! i look at my kid growing like a weed. i mean he will be two in february and 2 mos later i will be 25!!!!!!! twenty freakin five years old!!! God i wasnt expecting to be here now…but i am so now what???? i have so much i want to do. how am i supposed to get it all in? i know i could be a great actress. i know i could be a great guitarist. i know i could have a highly successful business. i know i can. but how
??? how??? how???
i totally suk.
/quarter life crisis rant

well they moved the viewing from 11 to 10 and my mother, instead of calling MY phone called my father in law (who was in the living room) on HIS phone three times and therefore never got me!! my fil was doing me a favor by letting me sleep, and esp. cuz he didnt know if willie was here, he didnt want to barge in on me in my jammies….and therefore i awoke at 10 am and found out that no one was coming to get me and it was too late to get a ride. so i missed the viewing and the graveside vigil and everything. i never got to say goodbye to my beloved aunt florence. now im just trying to get over being so angry with my mother. my sis val was talking ot me on the phone from my mom’s house and my mom beeped in on their phone. val asked my mom why she didnt call me and she said ” o i knew i forgot something, well there’s nothing i can do about it now “. nice, huh? my dad was trying to calm me down and say that maybe it was a good thing i didnt get to go for various reasons. im still pissed though at its 2 in the afternoon. i dunno. pray for me or something. bye.

for my aunt is at noon monday, viewing at 11am. i hope i can at least go to the viewing.
thank you all for your condolances/well wishes.
im feeling drained but a bit better. glad she’s out of pain and whatnot. still waiting for news on the house and the true closing date. in all technical fairness they can wait another week till my bu gets paid again. then we will have some moving money.
i made soup with a recipe and i dont like it. i should have gone with my instincts and made it my way. it isnt soup now its like stew but thicker. more like mashed potatoes with other stuff in it. my son loves it so i guess that’s ok.
ugh. byeeeeeeee

my aunt just died about half hour ago. she had been sick for 14 years with cancer and it finally won.
i didnt get to go see her when i wanted to…now she’s gone.
[please pray/send good vibes to our family]

Your Existing Situation
Readily participates in things that provide excitement or stimulation.
Wants to feel exhilarated.
Your Stress Sources
Unfulfilled hopes have lead to uncertainty and a tense watchfulness.
Insists on freedom of action and resents any form of control other than
which is self-imposed. Unwilling to go without or to relinquish anything
and demands security as a protection against any further setback or
loss of position or prestige. Doubts that things will be any better in the
future and this negative attitude leads her to exaggerate her claims
and to refuse reasonable compromises.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Believes that she is not receiving her share–that she is neither
properly understood nor adequately appreciated. Feels that she is being
compelled to conform, and close relationships leave her without any sense
of emotional involvement.
Your Desired Objective
Badly in need of rest and relaxation, freedom from conflict, and the
chance to recover. Wants to protect herself agains
t destructive and
exhausting influences. Longs for security and freedom from problems.
Your Actual Problem
Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh
goals have led to anxiety, and she is distressed by the lack of any
close and understanding relationship or adequate appreciation. She
attempts to escape from this into a stable and secure environment in which she
can relax and feel more contented.
Your Actual Problem #2
Seeks security and a position in which she will no longer be troubled
by demands being made on her.
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saturday was off the heezy. 150 ppl came and about 25 kids got saved. i played my guitar and sang 2 of my songs…also sang 4 worship songs with our group EVOLUTION.
still got friday in a.c. looking forward to that.
got confirmation the house will be closing before the end of the month tentative date : 22nd, keep praying/good vibes.
got health insurance for my family…now we’re set. njfamcare for baby, community health care for me, blue mercy shield something from will’s job for will.
missing brenna and everyone else from the ‘ville.
working at the daycare with my friend infrequently, which is great cuz i dont like kids in general.
got mad plans to start with after we move. cant wait to get settled in
having disciplinary problems with my son. he doesnt respond to any type of reprimanding. sux 2 say the least. and they still want me to have another baby. pfft. it’s all fun and games till somone has another nervous breakdown.
cant seem to get done with laundry. knee deep in clothes, literally, for the last 2 days. sick of it. want to
burn all the clothes i cant find a place for.

so we are still waiting… it’s excruciatingly painful.
been busy with the baby and trying to keep my composure while disciplining his hard headed self.
think i’ll make pancakes for breakfast again…or not. i dunno, im sleepy.
saw three old friends the other day. does anyone from the ‘ville remember julia, desmonds x girl that i almost beat up in the bathroom during 100 yrs of broadway rehearsals cuz she was schemin’ on kofi and acting all better than everyone? saw her and she looks exactly the same!!!!
also saw the friends i used to hang with when i was “really out there”. happy to say they no longer are on heroin. their daughter is still with the same guy and they are all doing great. they moved back up here. found out that another guy i used to hang with got killed in a head on collision about a week after i saw him in eatmor. hard to believe. they tell me he was so messed up in the crash that you wouldnt be able to recognize him in the casket.
in other news: my daddy’s hair is growing back and now he looks weird to me! he had no hair for so long i got used to that. he is looking back up to snuff
event calendar:
october 8th chestnut assembly 5pm album release concert
pleasantville’s thing was rescheduled for friday the 15th.
still no word on virginia for the 29th
the 30th in bridgeton 7pm hallelujah night
allllllllllllllllll-righty then …hungry..must eat…now…*gasp*