Bucket O' Bulletz

Sitting here fighting the temptation to feel inadequate. I really have NO reason to feel that way, other than this manic-depressive crap I keep going through. My family is great, my home is clean and quiet, my son is learning and growing. I am a good mother. I am a good wife. I am beautiful, intelligent, talented… well I could NEVER truly brag on myself much. The point is I have a great life. Most people would covet the ability to stay at home and be with their child all day. They would envy the fact that I have a husband, let alone a faithful husband that brings home a decent paycheck and spoils me like crazy. It’s freaking ridiculous that I should ever feel unfulfilled or inadequate. Call me spoiled rotten if you like, but it’s just been part of me since I was at least eight years old. Depression, resentment, anger, frustration, recurring low self-esteem and self-worth. It’s like a frickin’ disease. When I feel like that, I don’t want people hanging over me in pity or concern. I want to be left alone and to my own moping. UGH I wish to God that I could just be content and never have these feelings ever again… *sigh*

Oh my goodness! So many times as I have had to deal with painful bladder infections, and wished for a natural solution to my problems. I tried everything from AZO to cranberry juice to antibiotics. The last time I had an infection for over a month because two different doctors prescribed me the wrong medicine to treat my problem. I ended up spending well over a thousand dollars to try and fix one bladder infection. By the time I actually GOT the relief I needed, it was three medicines and three weeks later, when I was in such pain that I couldn’t move. I thought I was dying! It had turned into a kidney infection. Needless to say I was nonplussed. It was hard for me to believe that these two different doctors just could not get it right. Finally, after finding the right medication to treat my infection, I began to get better. That took another two week. So all in all I was down with this problem for about two months. I can’t tell you how hard it was for me to live day by day with this pain. My poor kid couldn’t even have his mother because I couldn’t be myself.
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0AHopefully, this new discovery called D-Mannose, we *gals especially* may be able to get rid of this evil beast they call a bladder infection in one try. I am checking it out for myself to have on hand if ever the case arises again where I find myself in pain and out of the loop.

im sitting here reading blogs and sipping coca-cola…YES im a bad person LOL
i am supposed to be mocking up a template for a website…i will get there sometime today i’m sure. i already did most of one and posted it for the supervisor guy to see. i also have to do some flash logo stuff with a dove and the world. it requires a lot of stress and calculation on my part. i hate doing flash sometimes, especially when it requires that i have to make the graphic multi-functional…which means that i have to make it good for print and website…simple, elegant, functional, beautiful, unique. Of course, how unique can a dove flying around the world be? eek. anyway, that the is the conondrum of the day. ministry pages are so simple yet complicated. i just refuse to do a whole site in flash…i dont even want to learn how. *sigh* what you gonna do?
in other news, we went to the store this morning and got a few essentials. couldn’t find any clear nail polish at that store. i still have to get a few other essentials… like that new Dove shampoo. I got a sample and OMG! it is better than Pantene for Relaxed hair.
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Doing good on my diet, calories have been a bit over, but at least I am eating. I used to be about 1100 calories UNDER what I needed to eat. Now Im up to my recommended 1300 and above. I even get my work out in about 4 or 5 days out of 7. My goal is to reach 135 or at least be toned enough that it looks like I weigh less than I do. I am 142 right now. I lost 7 lbs, gained 2 in muscle so that leaves me where I am right now. Good stuff.

My wonderful friend was kind enough to buy me a 3 cup teapot in cadet blue WITH an infuser. He is such a good friend!!! It is so cute and little. Just take a look!!! The last picture was taken with flash. The first picture was taken with the infuser upside down on top of it Can you see my son’s face on the 2nd picture?

Looks like I’m getting better at this manicure thing. You can barely tell that my nails don’t just have a clear coat of polish on them YAY I &;heart french manicures.

There is something that Im doing a lot anymore…taking pictures, posting them, then throwing them away. Terrible, I know!!! oh well, it’s all vox and their daily hunts that have me in an uproar HAHA

*sigh* I really miss fellowship at church. I miss all the kids in youth group. I miss being able to chat with my favorite pastor. I miss the classes that my son used to sit in on and do projects while socializing and learning about God. I miss the interaction between me and other people with whom I share a common bond. I miss them alot. There aren’t any churches around here that I would visit alone. I don’t feel comfortable trying a new spiritual destination with my son in tow. I have already experienced what could happen in the wrong environment BEFORE he was born, and I would never put him through that now. I just wish we could find another church home around here. Then again, maybe not. We might move again next year. I don’t know!!! UGH I just hate feeling so isolated. Sure, I have thought of everything under the sun to help me to get out and branch out, but around here there is no one else to really chill with. All my friends are at least an hour away * hi bren *. There are no babysitters around that I would leave my kid with. My husband is nearly always working. I just don’t have the time nor opportunity. The people
in this complex…well I wouldnt even go there because if you find out you dont like them THEY ARE STILL IN YOUR FACE and can harm you more easily. IM SO LONELY!!!

“With prayer and good intentions, we make our lives sacred and so come to balance.”
–Don Jose Matsua, HUICHOL SIERRA MADRE MEXICO
Only through prayer can we make spiritual changes that are permanent. You have told us that all life is sacred. Today I intend to serve you, my Creator. Allow me to overcome temptation, and if one comes along, let me see the lessons that will give balance. You have told us that all life is sacred. Let me see today with a sacred eye. Let me see beauty in all things.
My Creator, let me know what You would have me be today. Let my intentions be honest, respectful, humble and loving.