Bucket O' Bulletz

I post on a number of forums and blogs and everywhere I am, I feel like I always put my best face forward…but in real life I am not anything like the IDEAL…the person that I portray all over the internet.

Last night, I was agonizing about this. I think it has a lot to do with manic depression. I refuse to take drugs for it and I am trying to treat it herbally, but I don’t always feel like taking the time to fix my ails. For instance, I don’t drink green tea first thing in the morning when I know I should so that I won’t go ballistic on the husband at 12 when he wakes up. Yesterday, I didn’t because I just didn’t want the taste of green tea on my tongue.

Can you guess what happened next?

It took longer than I thought, but I did go ballistic on him when it looked as though he was about to leave on his day off. Now, I don’t have THAT much of a problem when he tells me ahead of time that he is going out on his day off, but when he doesn’t warm me, I tend to go out of my skull. Last night was no exception. He was actually going to get us a treat, but I thought he made plans to leave with his friends. Needless to say, he got an unnecessary amount of rage thrown at him *literally* as I chucked a bottle of glue at him and hit him in the chest.

Well, surprise, he left in a huff. No treats for SunT. He eventually came back after I had texted him 3 times about how much of an idiot I had been to go off on him.

It has gotten to the point where I don’t know who I am anymore. I cry out to God frequently about taking this away and making me into a better person. All I ever hear is “My grace is sufficient”…okay, I get that, but is it sufficient for the husband and child I am emotionally abusing on a weekly basis? No wonder my husband is scared to get close to me. I am a crazy person.

I have decided that I need to look into our insurance further and see what they do cover as far as holistic and mental health goes. I will probably have to work to get the money to pay for this stuff, as I can’t see taking it out of our general money. There is only so much of that to go around.

I am tired of being okay for a few days then blowing up the next few days or whatever the cycle is that month, day, week, hour, minute… I have been treating myself herbally on and off. I really need to stick to something. It was working well, until I got lazy and depressed about it and decided it wasn’t worth the effort.

The same thing would happen if I took the psycho-pills. I know it would, because everything I do is sporadic. Everything!

I feel so bad for my husband who takes the brunt of my problems. He always has.

I never really realized how ugly I can be until I got married and had to live with someone I am totally committed to 24 hours a day. It never occurred to me how unruly I was until just now. I thought it was a surface thing, that if I didn’t really own it, the problem wouldn’t be mine to deal with. I had one other person tell me how bad I was getting, and that was the only other man that I have lived with outside of my husband and my father. I didn’t believe him, because I thought I was a good person. I thought that everyone saw the real me, and not the person he thought he saw. I thought I was right.

Now that the same issues have come up in my marriage, I can’t say that I am right anymore. I can’t say that I am a nice person. I am not. Contrary to what anyone will say, I know now that I am an evil, unruly, violent, jealous, vindictive person.

I wonder if I can live this life without making my son hate me and my husband leave me. I once wrote a song about me being my own worst enemy, and that is the truth. I am. I sabotage my own life. I don’t need anyone’s help to do that.