Bucket O’ Bulletz

posted by Sun T. on Dec 10

This will be a very staccato post. Sorry in advance.

I just got home today from my mother’s house. I partied for two days in a row with my sister. Last night I went to my friend’s home for the first time since he died. It was weird for me to be sitting next to his baby brother and not him. I didn’t know what to think. I kept not mentioning his name…until his big brother arrived. Then we talked about the old days. How much I miss my friend is beyond belief. I have had too many pass in their early years. Maybe knowing me shortens their lives….

I went to Applebees with my sisters and my mother the night before last. I had the best mudslide ever. I also had a great fettucini alfredo. The next night my little sis and I picked up C from a party and went to his house to chill on the porch. That porch…that house…so many memories. I am not at liberty to say what happened to S…only that he is gone and was one of the most golden, genuine people to ever walk this earth. His brother J and I talked about his life. He was such a great guy. I drank too much last night. It was too much to bear sober.

You all know that I used to be an alcoholic, and I have found a pattern that is trying to form again. I used to not have any alcohol in my house. I know how it began. A little here, a little there, then you can’t get through the day without just a little taste…then it’s over. When I say over, I mean over like there is no more alcohol left because you drank it all. I am watching myself. I don’t need to go through that again.

I am so tired. I didn’t sleep well the whole time I was gone.

At least my husby and I are getting along and everything is well with us. The baby came back today, too. He was at his grandfather’s house for 2 days. My nephew’s birthday is tomorrow. He will be 4. We decided that Pollyana is busted for that side of the family and we are not going to do it again next year. We would have scrapped it this year, but my sis in law already bought the present for her Pollyana. I have to make a list of things that I want and then send it to my mother in law who has us for Pollyana. I know we aren’t supposed to know who has us, but this time it was just too easy to tell.

My beautiful son is in my arms. I fear mortality sometimes. I have decided to let nature do what it will to me, because we are just dust in the wind. The baby situation is settled. God’s will and not mine. I give up the fight for control. I have been bargaining and begging God for too long and I’m tired. God never harms us when we are trying to do His will. I just have to accept it and move on.