Bucket O' Bulletz » Attitude

Why can’t I just be consistent?

Sun T. — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 15:54:47 +0000

Dang I hate that I am so sporadic. I HATE IT. I mean, I make schedules, general plans, to-do lists, and even join FLYLady. I pray. I try REALLY hard. I just want to be consistent for longer than a few months. Sporadic consistency sucks more than constant inconsistency. I have told myself to be consistent even when my feelings aren’t into it. Then something will happen, either unexpected guests/trips/issues or my knees freak out on me… or whatever. Then I have to fight back to what I was doing, but it never gets quite there. I am so sick of my own unpredictabilty. The answer is usually some sort of dampering drug that will make me a zombie-like creature who does all things as if under a heavy fog. I can’t have that.

So what am I supposed to do? I am trying to “beat my body into submission” *like that guy in the Bible did*, but it’s not easy. I am rebelling against myself every moment!

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Maxin’ and relaxin’

Sun T. — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 12:50:59 +0000

What are you planning to do this summer? I plan to chill out as much as possible. I mean, the best thing about summer is that lots of people are off work more often so you can see them and hang out. I miss barbecues. I adore hanging out in hammock chairs, reminiscing about good times with the fam. It’s a great feeling. We have a few reunions, weddings, and baby showers coming up in summer. So tell me about your plans.

Maybe it’s just me

Sun T. — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 19:00:26 +0000

I am starting to shy away from communities I used to visit every day due to the feeligns I am getting from people there. It seems like there are a lot of people that are being snippy. Maybe it’s just me. I have been talked down to more than once. People have been beating dead horses with hammers. I have seen other people brutally rebuffed by others online. It’s like sniping insanity. Is it just me or have others noticed this, too?

Tags: snippy+people

Free yourself

Sun T. — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 23:15:34 +0000

Who knew that the truth could set you so free? I mean, really free? I just got a whole lot of truth off my shoulders and I couldn’t feel better. Six years of holding things in will take a toll on you. I bet I even look a year younger. Letting go of toxic feelings and pent up hurts really does bog down the system. There is something to deciding that you will not longer live under someone else’s thumb. There is such a freedom in knowing that you have told what is right and true, that your anger is no longer pent up. It’s awesome to feel the tension in your shoulders release some, even if only a little. I have been told by my therapist that I can no longer just harbor the anger and frustration within myself. I have to let it out, tactfully, of course. The real point is to let it out, tell the truth, and let God finish the work for you. As long as you purge yourself and say things without malice, I think God blesses that.

Did you hear that?

I just

exhaled.

Tags: anger, pent+up+frustration, frustration, anxiety, freedom

Mathematical emotions and Food

Sun T. — Sat, 17 Nov 2007 17:25:54 +0000

I made corn fritters this morning for breakfast. I thought that they would be a hit, considering that my hush puppies were lapped up so quickly when I made them. Who could have guessed that corn pancakes and donut-like muffins with corn would garner such a different reaction?

My husband found that the pancakes were “nasty” and therefore promptly pushed them aside. I enjoy them thoroughly, so it was like “more for me!”.

Honestly, though, he hurt my self-esteem. He doesn’t get that when he says my food is nasty there is an equation that goes something like this:

Food quality + reaction = % of my self worth

Sure, it shouldn’t be that way … but it is. His reaction made this happen to me:

nasty = me

See how that happened? I hate math, but these are equations of the heart. His reaction to my food quality added up to Nasty. Nasty is equal to Me.

There you have it. A mathematical analysis of why I got so PO’d this morning that I threw his food into the kitchen.

Blogged with Flock

Tags: math, self+esteem, self+worth, cooking, food

yeah, one of those days

Sun T. — Sun, 21 Oct 2007 15:21:44 +0000

yeah, one of those days

Originally uploaded by SockMopTart

My current picture for Self Portrait Sunday. It is definitely one of those days…more like one of those lifetimes, but that’s a whole other thing.

Find more self portraits on Digicass.com.

Technorati Tags: Self Portrait Sunday

I deplore being a girl

Sun T. — Wed, 26 Sep 2007 21:45:45 +0000

that is sung to the tune of “I Enjoy Being A Girl”. UGH and UGH. I feel like I have been dragged by my ankles through the rain down a trash filled alley. I wish I could retire for the day but I cannot. Now I have to cook dinner! *grumble grumble* AND WHY does my son, who has been mostly good acting all day, decide to wait till his father gets here to NOT listen to me? OMG It’s like he is trying to show me as a weak mother. I hate this *pout*

B.o.r.e.d.o.m.

Sun T. — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 19:52:57 +0000

I could wash the dishes

or unload the dishwasher

or fold clothes

….

eh.

I could prepost stuff for Friday.

eh.

I’m starting to get exhausted. I think it might be time for a Pepsi.

I should have put one in the freezer 20 minutes ago.

eh.

HOLY SMOKES! The man will be home for dinner. What am I gonna cook?

I think I will read some more Helen of Troy and call it an afternoon… maybe. I want to look at this other website real quick though, and tell you about it…if I find it interesting.

I have a hobby I am going to restart doing:

CROCHET!!!!!

Is it impossible?

Sun T. — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 15:09:16 +0000

I have to get on with my blogging as usual today, though I don’t feel like it. There are things I want to blog about, but they all pale in comparison to the issue at hand. I guess I have to just trust God and believe that these boys will be sentenced fairly. I am not saying that they should get off for assault, but their sentences were wayyyy out there. Fair justice is all I ask.

Last night I was watching Biggest Loser. I tend to not watch that as much as Celebrity Fit Club, but this time I am drawn in. The possibility that the black team will come out as the dark horse and defeat the other two teams just makes me want to watch, root for them, encourage them in my thoughts. What they set out to do seems impossible, but it is attainable through their determination and will power.

I am searching for my own determination right now. I have so much that needs to be done physically, mentally, spiritually…but I have no desire or will to do everything that entails. I want to lose at least ten pounds. I want my flat pretty stomach back. I will even settle for flatter than it is now. I don’t have to look like I did when I was 16. I will settle for what I looked like 3 years ago. I want to burn my sage every day and commune with God on the side porch. I want to finish my book and start the next one. I want so much. I just really need to get on the ball and DO it.

Technorati Tags: Biggest Loser, Celebrity Fit Club

Much on my mind

Sun T. — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 20:39:29 +0000

I don’t know what I am going to do with myself. I really want to do something about my state of mind. I haven’t been blogging as much. I haven’t been talking to a lot of people offline. I just don’t know what to do. I guess this is the deepest depressive state that I have endured since being a teenager. It is like, the deepest blackest hole you can imagine. You can hardly see the hand in front of your face. Where is the light?